Down the Drain 

with illustrations by Kathryn Spreadbury 

My mother warned me not to stay for too long in the bath;

She said I’d shrink and disappear, which only made me laugh.

Instead I stayed for hours on end, my fingers going wrinkly;

Pale and white, just like my feet, horrible and crinkly!

Some of my best ideas were had, lying in the water,

Even though my mother said I really shouldn’t ought to;

“You’ll catch your death of cold”, she’d say, if I wasn’t careful;

She worried all the time you see, the type who’s rather prayerful.

And then one day she was proved right; just as I pulled the plug,

Before I had a chance to get my feet out on the rug,

I shrank until I floated free, smaller than my duck,

And headed for the whirlpool, running out of luck!

I yelled for help, to no avail, she never heard a word,

I disappeared down in the drain; but would have much preferred

To have my towel and dressing gown wrapped cosily around me,

And saunter slowly down the stairs and sit down for my tea.

I made a desperate grab for anything to get a hold on,

Then held my breath and waited till the water had all gone.

But what exactly was it that I’d got a hold of there?

Something long and bendy, and covered with black hair!

A pair of eyes on two short stalks peered bright and hungrily

From the dark recesses of the overflow at me.

So that was where the spider lived who came out every night,

And wandered round the bathtub giving everyone a fright!

I didn’t stop to say hello, I didn’t say goodbye,

I let go quickly, shut my eyes and hoped I wouldn’t die.

I plopped into the soapy water lying in the U-bend;

Then diving down I somehow made it to the other end.

The water gone, the empty pipe was straight now, like an arrow,

But it was dark and slippery and also pretty narrow.

I slithered on not knowing where the next bend would direct me,

And then it came, why down of course! with nothing to protect me.

Next thing I knew, flat on my back I saw a chink of light

Shining on a greasy wall a little to my right.

I wriggled over to the edge, across the smelly surface;

I had to get up out of there; that was my only purpose.

A shadow flickered on the wall, enormously and scary,

A whiskered face and beady eyes, its body wet and hairy:

The rat ran past and didn’t see me hiding in the gloom;

I think it had its heart set on some rubbish to consume.

It disappeared down in a tunnel; I didn’t choose to follow,

The thought of being eaten up was more than I could swallow.

I gathered up some bits of stuff, I don’t know what it was

But it made a pile just high enough to clamber on some moss.

I got a hand hold here and there and climbed up to the light,

But just as I got out of there I had another fright!

My mother stood there with her mop, as tall as the old church spire;

From where I stood it didn’t seem that she could get much higher!

I yelled and waved to no avail, as she emptied out her bucket,

And you can no doubt guess which way she thought that she would chuck it!

A wall of soapy water caught me right up to my neck,

And away I went into the ditch, a sorry little wreck.

The ditch was full and flowing fast, it was hard to stay afloat,

So I grabbed an empty matchbox with which I made a boat.

Exhausted now I climbed inside and soon I fell asleep;

I let the  stream take me along, a helpless hopeless heap.

I dreamed of normal things like lunch, and getting punched at school,

And slipping down the plughole, and being called a fool.

And when I woke the sun was out, and shining on the river,

The air was warm, but I was wet, causing me to shiver.

I stuck my head over the side to find out what I could,

Then carefully and gingerly I knelt up, then I stood.

I had to know how far I’d gone, but I didn’t want to tip up;

The last thing that I needed now was yet another slip-up.

Suddenly I realised I had to lie down flat,

As a bramble like the Forth Road Bridge appeared just like that.

The matchbox bumped and briefly stopped, just long enough for me

To reach up with both arms and pick a great big blackberry.

I couldn't manage more than one; it really was delicious

And so I felt much better now, it being quite nutritious.

As the river swept me on again a swan came drifting past;

It hissed at me and set my heart beating rather fast.

Now I knew that nothing more than fate was in control;

There wasn’t much that I could do to change things on the whole.

And so I lay back in my box and watched the world go past;

No longer feeling so afraid, …but my mother was aghast!

She’d been upstairs to drag me out, and found that I was missing,

Where could I be, she’d no idea, and you know that she was wishing

That she had said “Get straight to bed, never mind the tub”,

And brought me up a tray instead, from which to have my grub.

And so it was I floated on, the river turning salty;

I smelled the sea and heard the gulls, if my senses were not faulty.

The water turned quite choppy, and I was tipped out by a wave,

And though it was a tiny life, my life I had to save.

I swam as hard as ever I could and crawled out on some sand,

And sat there looking round about to see what was to hand.

And then I spotted far away a cave in which to shelter;

Before the gulls came after me I ran there helter-skelter.

Deep in the cave where it was dark, I started to relax,

And in the gloom I thought I saw some distant daylight cracks.

But as I stumbled through the dark I tripped on something soft,

And then a little further on someone distinctly coughed!

I stood back up and felt around, it seemed like all about me

Was fabric, soft like summer dresses, whatever could it be?

And then I tripped again and fell headlong to the floor;

And in the tumble and the crash I burst open a door!

I came to on the carpet, right at my mother’s toes;

She didn’t look too pleased to see me, heaven only knows!

Whatever was I thinking of, why had I been in there?

And what was that piece of seaweed doing in my hair?

© Stephen Saunders. 

Nelson & Napoleon

Nelson and Napoleon were Wellington boots

And in everything they did they were in cahoots;

If one stepped forward then so did the other

Napoleon even thought that Nelson was his brother!

Nelson was Right and Napoleon was Left,

If one of them was missing the other felt bereft.

They lived in the passage underneath the shelf

And neither of them ever liked to be there by himself.

Sometimes in the night a spider or a mouse

Would think that one of them might make a comfy house,

But early in the morning they’d rush to leave their hide

Just before a pair of feet came stamping down inside…

Because Nelson and Napoleon belonged to Jonathon

Who wore them everywhere and always put them on

First thing every morning to run around outside

So neither of them (for a creature) was a good place to hide.

Nelson and Napoleon didn’t mind the weather,

Which was just as well since Jonathon never

Missed a chance to stomp in a puddle or the snow

And always took the muddy way wherever he would go.

Jonathon wasn’t worried if the two of them were dirty

But if he couldn’t find them then he really got shirty:

He would yell and scream until his mother looked around,

And usually she found them just lying on the ground.

Then he’d run outside and kick hard at a ball

But it wouldn’t bother either of them very much at all.

They were quite used to it, and it never really hurt;

At worst they both just ended up covered in dirt.

Jonathon was growing and was bigger than his sister

And one day Napoleon gave his toe a blister.

He didn’t mean to do it but it was becoming clear

That the time for a new pair was getting very near.

Jonathon cried from the pain in his toe

And for several days the two of them got to go

Nowhere at all; they just stayed there where they stood

Trying to keep cheerful as best as they could.

Nelson and Napoleon needn’t have worried

When off to the shops Jonathon’s mother hurried.

They were a perfect fit for the next one in line

And Sophie’s feet came along just in time.

Sophie was nearly as boisterous as her brother

And ran everywhere kicking gravel at her mother.

She used her feet as brakes when riding on her bike

But Nelson and Napoleon thought; ‘Do what you like!’

They were just happy to be there on her feet

Dangling in mid-air, underneath her seat.

When the dustmen came they could so easily have been

Taken to the rubbish tip, no more to be seen.

Jonathon and his mummy had returned from the shops

And there beneath the shelf with the buckets and the mops

Was a new pair of wellies hiding in the dark,

Shiny, tall and clean, and ready for the park.

Nelson and Napoleon didn’t really mind

Titus and Felix were a completely different kind.

But there was no competition, just a new kind of smell

And ever so quickly they all got on well.

Now Nelson and Napoleon had to budge up for the others;

Sophie was more tidy, with better habits than her brother’s.

There was not much room left now that they were four

And Titus and Felix were usually just left sprawling on the floor.

As time went by it became even crowdier;

Sophie got some clogs and the place became rowdier.

Jonathon’s trainers couldn’t get to sleep

And as for Sophie’s espadrilles; it almost made them weep.

But Nelson and Napoleon couldn’t care less;

They were very happy to be living in a mess:

Their future looked bright, they couldn’t be more happy;

There was another little person crawling around in a nappy!